i need perfection, i need affection

So. A whole month has flown (yes, it's a word) by and it seems like a blur, as far as I can remember. Before I get into any current stuff I have have have to write about what happened, otherwise it will feel like a huge chunk of life is missing. Anyway, since my motivation went down and I can't focus on reading for school I'm doing this now. The last day I wrote was...October 6th so I guess I'll pick up there. I apologize in advance for this being intense and long. It will be bitter as well.

Sooo that weekend after I last wrote kinda sucked. I'm surprised I can even remember it but sadly, I can. I think Lindsay and I (or at least just me anyway) were planning on going to Philly for a concert but I guess I missed something and there were no plans? I don't know. Anyway, I talked to Chelsie and I ended up going to Philly anyway with her and Matt (I drove and sucked at it) and we had fun just walking around South Street as usual. They're fun kids to hang out with. That Sunday I had to open and as usual, because everything goes wrong for me, the one girl didn't show up and PCB was in a horrible mood and yelled at me. Whatever...things are better now w/ opening and PCB soooo yeah.

The next week looks pretty average. School things (busy), working, and visiting my loves at work. For some reason I didn't work with Mon on Tuesday night, which is a major shocker. Ooooh on Wednesday I finally got together with Mel to have lunch and that was fun, except Rachel wasn't there. I got to see Jen this week as well...we met up after I got off work at 8 to go up to AC to see a comedienne (hahaha) who was like 4'9" and loud and weird. Kinda funny I guess. AHHH Friday the 13th occurred this week too (see my last post for more info haha). Apparently I worked with Mon and Randi and then I think we picked up Lindsay and drove around, yayyy. I believe this was the night we literally drove into (the bad part of) Pottstown and searched for Franklin Ave or something. The rest of the weekend was purdy gay. I worked on Saturday night (a first in a long time) and I was all alone with two of the three males that work there (dumbass no longer counts). Monica came to visit and helped Matt and I out with some of the work because she's amazing like that. Uhhh Sunday fucking sucked. I was forced to go to a family reunion (realllllly small family) in which I was told I had to "dress up" to impress my mom's family I guess. I wasn't allowed to wear jeans (aka my life) and I had to wear a skirt and yeah, it was just terrible. Plus when we got there I found out that my mom's cousin's kids (who are girls a bit older than me) were all there (when they weren't supposed to be) and were wearing JEANS grrrr. Whatever, I had fun talking to my mom's cousin and her daughter and laughing with my bro. It wasn't THAT bad I guess, except the bitchy girls in jeans. Fuck them.

The next week looks lovely and bland as well. School and work as usual. We got a new boy on Thursday night who turned out to be a major dick (to me anyway). Basically an ignorant asshole. At first he seemed decent and then he started making comments about how I have an easy life and blah blah blah. I don't even wanna get into it because it seriously irritates me (along with everything else these days). He's just stupid...honestly. Ummm that night Lindsay and I rented the best movie everrrr (TBE!!! not to be confused with TBC of course).

OH OH I totally and completely forgot! This was the weekend that we went to NY (city and state). On Friday I was under the assumption that we had no classes because I fucked up my agenda somehow and wrote it down wrong. I think I was still on last year's schedule...which is pretty bad even for me. Anyway, I went to my one class and then we left. We stayed in NJ as usual and it wasn't too bad I guess. I brought my laptop so I'd have something to do in the hotel room besides WATCH TV with my parents (uh ew). That night we went into NYC and got pizza of course. We also drove around a little but it was nuts at Times Square so we went to the Bleecker street area (where the gay men roam) and went in some stores. I got a fab poster of my hero in life (John Bender of the TBC telling me it feels good to be bad hahaha). Also lots and lots of coooookies (bad for me). I don't think I say it enough but I LOVE it there more than anyone will ever know. I want to live there at some point in life...it doesn't matter when but it will happen.

On Saturday we got up and headed for Sleepy Hollow which was absolutely amazing. I took a ton of pictures (a ton for me anyway) and they came out really good. This time instead of just sticking near SH we drove North a little and saw some of the other towns and a really great part along the Hudson River. It was like intensely windy and my dad and I actually got splashed by the water hitting the rocks so hard because of the wind haha. We also found this famous prison (never heard of it before this) but my dad was all amazed and it was pretty cool. All these famous phrases were coined there, relating to prison of course. Something like "going up the river" means going to that specific prison and of course the Hudson. Pretty neat-o. After we left that area in the early evening we went back to NYC, yayyyyyy. I hate leaving so much it hurts, haha. That's it...the end of my wonderful vacation that I looked forward to allllll year and it was over so fast :(

The rest of that weekend consisted of a whole Sunday of nothing!!! I think I was supposed to be doing homework or something but I probably goofed off. OK now the best day ever (sarcasm). Monday, October 23rd, THE KILLERS. What the fuck, man. I'm making this short because the details are depressing. Chelsie comes to Alvernia and meets Lindsay and I (earlier than we need to leave). We decide to get food at Wawa and then head down the Philly. I drive (of course) and when we're finished eating I go to start my car and it doesn't fucking start, grrrrr. Strangely enough, I'm not even panicked (yet). We asked people for jumper cables and everyone that we asked says the same thing, "Ohhh man I ususally have them with me but I didn't bring them today". Aww shucks..."daaaamn" OH WELL. That's basically what they meant haha. So my bro and his "friend" Brender come and jump us but my mother says I cannot drive and that Chelsie has to. We arrive in Philly at the Electric Factory and SURPRISE!!!!!!! The Killers has been postponed due to a family emergency or something. Oh, the irony. I still wasn't even phased...but I think it hit me later in the week but I'll get to that soon enough.

Tuesday was work with my lover and the new asshole again...what a douche. Hate him (for now). I think the rest of the week was pretty normal except for Wednesday night I broke down as usual. Something must be wrong, I'm serious. Thursday was horrendous. I mean, even compared to the various other times I've said I felt the worst...I think this was one of the worst days. Everything was bringing me down. I even snapped at Lindsay at school over something dumb like a paper and YELLED in PUBLIC. Yep...I'm turning into Peter C. Bond. So basically this horrible feeling and me making myself nauseous lasted for the whole day/evening of Thursday. I felt better after talking about it to LMH. The day after was a little foggy...like nothing was quite right but I felt a lot better I guess. I met up with Rachel and Lindsay for lunch and that made me feel a lot better. After that I had to work with Mon and Briana and that made me feel even better yet. Unfortunately it was raining so my plans with Kim for the evening at the glorious football game (ehhh) didn't work out. Instead I just hung out at her house talking about school and people and goofing around on the Internet. I miss seeing all my friends and hanging out like that all the time but it's so hard since everyone moved so far away. Some of the people I haven't even talked to in months...weird but hey, I tried.

Saturday was helping at a Fall Festival at an elementary school which actually turned out to be pretty fun. I dunno, the kids are adorable and I love kids but I don't think I could cut it as a teacher. At least not as this point in life. I actually did face painting...yeahhhh I didn't know what the hell I was doing but the little kids get so excited about it and that made it more enjoyable. That night I think I hung out with Lindsay but I can't remember where we went...Probably DRIVING AROUND as usual, boooo. Sunday = WORK, blahhhh. I hate working with who we now refer to as "the dumbass". That is so cruel but you know, it's true so whatever. OH this was the day that Sue and I fell in love with the DA's bro who is WAYYYY too young, sadly. He's cute though. In a small child sort of way (FOURTEEN).

The next week was pretty good, actually. I got a new battery for my car since mine like died and wasn't starting haha. On Halloween I went to a concert with Lindsay and Nick...it was 30 Seconds to Mars as the headliner and like 283829 bands that opened. Actually six. Head Automatica and Men, Women, & Children were both there and were pretty good. Also COBRA STARSHIP hahahaha...love them. I'm like obsessed currently. But next week I'm sure I'll be sick of it. Overall the concert was pretty good...I like when there are a lot of bands except this show in particular was excruciatingly long and painful...we ended up sitting on the FLOOR by the end. This week I also made my schedule for next semester which is very oddly designed but I'm hoping the weirdness works to my benefit. I have one class only on MWF, three on both Tues/Thurs and then a night class just on Tuesdays. Very odd but I'm hoping it gives me lots of free time. Ooohh this week I also had no class on Friday due to cancellation, yayyy. I had to pick up my mother at the hospital and then we went out to lunch. We also stopped to see my child Dawson for a few minutes, awww!!! When I got home I went and picked Chelsie up and we headed for TH and B&N and read amazing books. I think we went to Park Shitty as well...good times. Saturday AND Sunday = opening at Denver and WM, blahhhhhh. I think I hung out with Lindsay on Sunday night, but I can't really remember anymore. We probably went to WM.

On Monday I believe I did something with my parents but I can't remember what. OH I know...we went to Tar-gay and then out to eat and then I met Lindsay at B&N for fun reading time. More work (with Mon!) and school.Visiting Mon on Wednesday, yayyyy!! I also experienced a little dorm life due to being abducted by some girls in Lindsay's hall to read song lyrics and write a letter to someone in Iraq. I don't know...country music blahhhh. On Thursday I did absolutely NADA except go to the store with my parents and actually do homework. I've been keeping up with it actually, probably because I barely work 20 hours a week.

Friday was absolutely amazing. I had one class and then I was bored so I drove to my dad's work to get my sunglasses that I left in his car the night before. I made plans with Lindsay earlier in the week to drive somewhere far away because I was in desperate need of escaping life but it didn't work out due to insane traffic everywhere (duh) a lack of interest apparently. So my wonderful Friday, in which I drove all the way back up to AC with going out in mind, turned out to SUCK big balls. I was slightly annoyed so I just came home and decided to be a loser. I dunno. Chelsie came online and she wanted to go to Borders so I went with her and then we visited Matthew at Turkey Hell. After he got off work @ 10pm we decided to be spontanous and go bowling. I didn't really wanna go but it turned out to be a lot of fun and I kicked both of their asses which made it that much more fun, haha. Uhh yeah the guy spelled my name wrong on the BIG SCREEN THAT EVERYONE CAN SEE..basically I was called JEWS all night. Yep. Goooood times. Tired, bed, sleep.

Work on Saturday with Sue and Josh, who I haven't worked with in forevvvv. It was fun even though we were insanely busy. "That's what she said..." good times with kiddies at work. After work Monica and Dave invited Lindsay and I to KOP for the evening and I was wayyyy excited initially but something happened and it all went down the drain for some reason. I don't want to sound like a bitch (although I probably will) but I don't know if it's me or other people. It's probably me though...which makes me less of a bitch and more of an idiot. I knew there would be some tension between Lindsay and because I was still slightly mad (at myself) about the night before and I didn't have much to say. Then it was implied that I was talking too much so I shut up for the most part. Umm and also you go to the mall to SHOP in STORES not just walk around so I dunno what Dave thought was going to happen there. It was just overall a very TENSE evening. Some parts were fun but I suck at life. I like TRIPPED over my own two feet and steps at least 2 or 3 times and then when we went to eat "food" I bumped this stupid chicken thing that was like 283930 feet tall and spilled dressing all over the table and myself. I think I was at the breaking point and with each dumb mistake I made it got worse. Now everyone hates me and we'll probably never all hang out together again, based on our experience at DP and then this. Ohhh no don't say anything to Jess, she might CRY. Whatever...I basically need to get a grip and stop being a bitch because it only ruins everything. I'm sure no one else is worrying about this as much as I am but well, I am. I hate tension and fighting and people being annoyed/mad at me (which I should probably get used to apparently) so this is like horrid in my eyes. I had to get up at like 5 AM this morning for work and I could barely fall asleep until after 2...blahhh. And right now I feel soooo tired yet I don't think I could sleep.

Ok now that everything has been "covered" I'll continue talking about how I feel because I'm an emotional girl apprently. I'm not even stressed out about anything really...it's like I'm PMSing except I'm not. Little things people say to me are getting to me and I overreact a lot. SORRY everyone who I was a nasty bitch to in the past 48 hours. Not that it matters since no one cares and gets over everything instantly...or were probably never upset in the first place. So while everyone happily sleeps away I'll be up all night worrying about nothing. I'm NOT depressed, and I'm not really feeling sad at all...I'm like frustrated with PEOPLE in general and work does NOT help at all. I honesty felt like punching at least 20 people today (hahaha). That's bad.

OK enough of that. I finally updated this and now I need to skim over some readings for tomorrow and organize all my shit. I also need to get some goddamn sleep but that is unlikely due to my mind racing and my whole body hurting due to FALLING on my ass at work yesterday. I feel like I'm crippled haha. WELL my closing statement is tomorrow is a new day and hopefully it is better than the last couple of days. I have too much time on my hands this week as well and I have a feeling I'll be spending a majority of it by myself, which is probably better.

OH and real fast...BOYS. There are none, except for that one that Monica says has a thing for me...too bad he's mute. It is slightly suspicious that he is suddenly coming into Subway all the time...and it's not for Monica because she wasn't there the last two times, weirdddddd. I guess we shall see what happens. This is just weird. Everything feels so weird right now.