Rambling...and soul searching

Ok, so I've thought about it (not really) and I've decided that seriously sitting down and writing about about everything that has happened to me in the last, what, like 2 years (???) is completely insane and is useless considering that every scrap of my existence from those two years is in my planners (yay for those) and in my head. A thought also just came to me about why I used to feel the need to write about every second of every day and why I no longer have that need. The best example I can give is that I've longed to write about Keith and our relationship and all the ups and downs and how great everything is. I no longer feel like I need to write about the development of our relationship and how everything progressed because I have the memories and the emotions that attached to those memories. Maybe a few years ago I was so out of touch with my emotions that I felt the need to put them all down for fear that I would forget everything that happened to me? As I get older I feel like I remember more of the little things and how they made me feel than when I was, say, 16 or 17 years old freaking out about my friends, or school, or some boy I liked. I honestly can't remember half of the details that happened in those four years of high school and I think its better that way. Maybe I'm more connected with who I am as a person than I was then (duh). Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I feel 99.9% sure that I'm not going to regret leaving the past 2 years out. I can sum it up in a few words, and then I'm going to write about the HERE and NOW rather than dwelling on things that have already happened and are out of my control. This makes me happy!

So in the past few years that I've been absent I've met a wonderful MAN/boy who I love very much. Our two year anniversary is in 7 short days...can you believe that??? I can't either. I'm still in school studying Psych and I feel even MORE confused about what I want to do with my future than ever before, and I'm sort of okay with it. I feel like everything will work out, and I have the kind of attitude where if something doesn't work out I can always change jobs (even in this economy...)

Ok so most of my friends are the same except there are some from high school that I am even closer with now and some that I hardly speak to anymore, which does make me sad. One of my biggest fears is seeing some of these people after years and having nothing to talk about with them :( I do feel like a little bit of fun is missing in my as far as friends go and I am going to just throw it all out there and be completely honest. I do have one very close friend who I probably have the most fun with and is so much like me that it is scary sometimes, but we have drifted A LITTLE lately and we go through phases of closeness and hardly speaking (not in a bad way). I also have a friend at school and through her I've met more people, but sometimes I feel like I don't fit in with crowds and the whole "getting to know you" thing. I much prefer being with Keith who knows everything about me, and being with my old friends from high school like Lindsay, Jen, Chelsie, etc. who know my whole life story and actually give a shit about it. While I do feel like I am much more outgoing than I used to be, I still do not do well getting to know new people! I need lots of time with new people to really get to know them and Alvernia just sucks for that, especially since I don't live there. Ok I'm droning on and on about my friends.

Something that really bothers me is my lack of employment. I feel like I've been dealt a really bad hand as far as finding a job is concerned. I'm trapped in that "place" between a college senior who SHOULD have a semi-decent job right now and the post-grad student actively searching for jobs where I can actually use my degree. It's too late for me to find anything, and it's just a little too early to start looking for jobs for after graduation. I had a WONDERFUL job (thanks to Jennifer Martin) working with little kids and that was ripped away in the blink of an eye. One whole month of employment (not too bad) and then I found a seasonal job working at the booze store, following in my Daddy's footsteps. I hated it for the first week, but ended up loving it so much that I applied for permanent part-time. Still waiting to hear back about that one...I'm calling tomorrow to see for sure actually. It sucks hard...if I get that job but then find a wonderful Psych job in May I'll have to quit after just 2 months! Godddddd, that is so frustrating. I'm not worried about it on my end, but I feel bad jerking them around and going for a permanent position that is really only temporary. Then again, if I totally fail at finding a Psych job then at least I'll be making like $11/hr (wayyyy too low).

THEN there is the whole graduate school/future career ordeal. What am I going to do with my life? I feel like I've over-researched everything and have fallen in love with so many subfields of Psych that I can't make up my fucking mind! I try to go back to the basics...all my life I wanted to be a teacher because I love kids and as a child I would "teach" my stuffed animals and had that anal, super-organized personality. Now that I'm a GROWN-UP (ahhh) I look back and think "What was I thinking???" because I'm so NOT organized and don't have the guts to stand in front of a room of 8 year olds and tell them what to do. I prefer one-on-one which takes me to guidance counseling, no, school psychology. Seriously that's how quickly my mind flew right past school counseling and onto school psychology because...I can't really think of anything other than the money...which is really sad!!!

I remember the day that I made the decision that I wanted to help kids who have troubled home lives or mental illness or anything of that sort. It was because of my sister's sordid little life and how her decisions impacted her kids' lives. I always have though, and still think, that is SO unfair that children have horrible things happen to them that are totally out of their control. I remember my first thought was that I should be a social worker, but yuck. Next was school counseling because I would get to work in a school with kids, one-on-one, but I wouldn't have to teach them. I also only learned this year that school counselors do teach classes (every now and then) and that totally frightens me. I just want one-on-one!!! Which brings me to school psychology. I can meet and test kids individually, BUT I can't get to know them! How much does that suck???? I thought writing this would help me figure it out but no, I'm still confused. Am I being too focused on the school environment?? But I love it. I want to do both. The end.

Other stuff that's on my mind includes my extreme weight gain and how I think that has affected lots of other bodily things, such as acne? Which I never get. Hmmm...

I think I had to write this just to get my fingers moving on the keyboard in some way or another. I'm supposed to be working on my thesis paper but I just cannot bring myself to do it. I have SO much work to do, but I'm putting it off just like everything else is in life. Tomorrow is going to be a weird day...won't get into that just yet. I don't know, much confusion happening over here.

So I guess my "goals" for the next two months are going to be...
1) Do something serious about getting a job/having income until May...ideas????
2) Get working on my thesis paper...just want to get this fucking thing over with.
3) 2 months = 20 lbs (losing that much)
4) Once I get some income, pay off some of my debt and start having FUN!
5) Make some sort of step in the right direction concerning my future career dilemma :(((
6) Go back to like 2nd grade when everything was wonderful PLEASE

I guess I'm finished which means it is time for more procrastination and worrying and hoping.