Hello everyone...anyone who reads this anymore. It has been almost ONE YEAR and I'm in desperate need of an update. A lot has happened and someday, hopefully soon, I will get everything in order. Right now I'm just dealing with some stuff I need to get out into actual words directed at no person in particular. I hope that writing what I'm feeling and not aiming it at a certain person or taking into consideration any certain person's feelings I'll be able to be the most honest. This might end up being short choppy sentences or a list of things I wish/hope for in the future.

Overall I feel pretty good about my life. For once in my life I am very happy with everything and I actually feel confident about some things. I like school, I'm getting closer to figuring out what I want to do, I made some friends at school, I have fun at my job, I have a great best friend that I can talk to about anything, and most importantly a really great boyfriend who loves me and who I love. I feel more outgoing, more in control, and just more confident in general. Any feeling of sadness, worthlessness, depression, not good enough, stupid, ugly, etc. has faded away and I don't feel overwhelmed as much about life. I believe this is due to my boyfriend making me feel so much better about myself and just being a real person that understands me an is there for me. We've been together for almost a year now (!!) and I feel so close to him and I know he feel the same. We hardly ever fight, and even when we do its about stupid stuff like any couple.

The problem I'm having a hard time dealing with is the way that some people look at my relationship. On any given day, if you asked me about my relationship I can say that I feel very good about it and that I'm confident and I'm not as insecure as I used to be about stupid things that don't matter. Then someone who I think is very close to me makes some comments, whether they were meant to be hurtful or not, and make me start to doubt myself! I know in my heart that everything is fine but there is that tiny part of me that wonders why such things are being thought about concerning my life and my future. I don't feel like I should have to defend myself so much to convince my friends and whoever else that I'm in a good relationship, because I know I am. I think that everyone has that insecurity in their relationships and that a lot of people are guilty of judging others lives when they really don't kow wat goes on behind closed doors. I do it too, we all do. I try not to do it because I know how it feels to be judged obviously and I strive not to be judgmental when discussing things with people. Everyone has a story and maybe people know about it and maybe they don't. No matter how honest you are with your friends there are always things you just don't know and you can't make assumptions. Here I am again defending myself! I feel proud of myself for not giving in to what people (or maybe just one person or two) have said about me. I know if my boyfriend reads this he shouldn't be upset because I love him to death and just the fact that other people would judge so harshly without knowing him as a person makes me sad. Only he and I know what we do together and how we are with each other and he is the kind of person I always thought I'd be with, just someone I could be myself around and enjoy the simple things in life, and someone I can just talk to and tell him my problems. I don't care if he was making $10 an hour or $100 an hour, if he was still the same person I would love him no matter what.

I'm still defending myself for no good reason. I just hate hearing from someone who is my friend that they're "glad I'm happy" which sounds more like "well...if that's what makes you happy". It would appear that this is someone looking out for me and what is best for me, and I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty but I've done a pretty good job judging what is best for me so far in life, I don't think this is any different.

As far as the "future" is concerned, I like my boyfriend just the way he is. Although he's a bit older, I feel like we are at somewhat similar places in life, just trying to figure everything out with a lot of self-doubt, like most people. I don't think life should be something where you know exactly what you want, or think you want, and then you only get one shot and it is gone forever. Things happen that you can't control and I'd rather go through all of that stuff in life with Keith, us together. I wouldn't want something that is predictable. You could have all the security in the world and still be miserable. I'm not trying to "defend" one way of life as better than any other. I'm really sick of defending myself at this point. It's just been on my mind and as much as I want to say I don't care what people think, I'd like to know that my friends don't look at me any differently because of some stupid standard they have. This is the first time I'm hearing all of this and it's just so shocking to me. It just seems so shallow and I don't expect that from people. I'm not trying to be mean.

I don't know what else to say. I'm doing whatever I'm doing in life the same as I've always plannd, and I love with man I'm with so I don't think there is anything else to say. I'm not looking for financial security, I plan can/will get that on my own as I've always planned on doing. I'm with Keith for the emotional security that I get, of being in love with him and him loving me back regardless, that unconditional love. I don't wanna get too lovey dovey but I guess I'm at the point where I want to tell everyone I'm in love now, those of my friends that don't know what has happened in my life over the past year. Keith just makes me a better person and I would have expected someone like a good friend to notice that and to not put me down, even unintentionally.

The end.

P.S. I would really like to hear from some of my friends about this if its possible to decipher anything I just wrote about. :/