yeah...

I know I need to update my life of pretty much this entire year BUT I'm having some thoughts at wonderful 1:00 am and I need to share.

I was just looking through my comments on Myspace deleting old posts of people who deleted their profiles (just for the hell of it because I am bored) and as I was reading all the funny things my friends, co-workers, and classmates have written I started to wonder WHAT HAPPENED??? What has happened to us? All the inside jokes, all the laughs, all the goofy things I used to do with my friends and at work. Making plans to go shopping. Go to the movies. Hang out. Drive around and waste money. Where did it all go? Did everyone really grow up? I mean, I thought after my first, maybe even my second year of college that I had accepted that things changed and I was happy with that. High school is long gone (thank God for that), everything was wonderful. School was fun, friends were fun, I finally fell in love with a boy (!). But I can't help but wonder have we changed TOO MUCH???? Sooo many things have changed for the better and I wouldn't trade where I am in life for anything else, but I MISS THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE.

I also can't help but think is it me that's changed or is it my friends? Is it both? Did I cancel plans one too many times with my friend from high school to do homework or because I was working? Was it ME who messed up all the fun stuff? Is it just a fact of life that as we get older our priorities change and things like focusing on the future (that includes doing well in school, working to save money, and having a relationship) become the number one thing we think about? I'm not even sure if my school work has gotten harder or if I just give a shit this semester. I got good grades the last two years but there were wayyyy more late nights, drinking coffee the next day to stay awake, driving around in the middle of the night with my best friend and less reading, studying, HIGHLIGHTING, typing, emailing teachers. Am I trying harder or am I forced to do so much work to keep up?

Getting back to missing the fun. I think part of my problem is my job situation. I haven't REALLY worked in a long time. I never work at Subway and that place used to be soooo much fun. I miss working there, I miss all the old people that used to work there, I miss goofing off, I miss Monica!!! I've lost touch with sooo many people from there that I considered good friends at one point that it really sucks. I'm really scared that I'm going to go back and that I won't be able to fall back into the familiarness of it all. Will Monica and I ever be the same kind of friends again? Or has everyone gotten older and more bitter about "real life" that there is no more fun? WHERE IS THE FUN!??!?!?

It's not even at work. Looking back through my comments I wonder what happened to me and my best friend. I still talk to her pretty much everyday but it's just different. The easiest thing to say is that it's because I have a boyfriend now but it's not that...it's something else. There are no more inside jokes, just worrying about the next test. There are no more late night drives but reading endless chapters in our psych books. Seriously, WHAT HAPPENED???? Is this growing up? It really sucks. It makes me really sad just thinking about it. I am by no means "depressed" or feeling sad about life or thinking "life sucks"...I just MISS soooo much stuff this semester. I want things to go back to "normal" at least a little bit. Maybe I've just changed as a person. I mean, wasn't I the girl who one year ago said I would never have a boyfriend, never leave Subway, never lose touch with friends, never spend "too much" time on school work. Here I am doing all of that stuff, some of it bad and some of it good. Now I'm the kind of girl who thinks about the future all the time rather than the present. I hate that. I like living in the present, and I do to some extent. But recently it has been more of a futuristic approach to everything...I have to do well in school to get a good job later on. In a few years I'll probably be married with a "real" job. What happens then? Does all the stuff I still have but already miss be completely gone from my life? What will I do without everything? I DO NOT WANT TO BECOME ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO GIVES UP EVERYTHING FOR MONEY AND A GOOD JOB AND THE PERFECT LITTLE FAMILY.

Don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend and I love all my friends (if they still love me). I guess I am just scared for the future more than ever before. Is this me burning out from too much school work??? I'm in need of a desperate vacation and NOW. I haven't thought and worried so much about stuff in a long time. I need reassurance. Reassurance from my friends that they are still there and want to have fun and never lose touch. I want reassurance that everything will be okay and that there will never come a day when I don't talk to my best friend at least one :)

I need some friend time! I pretty much go to school, come home and do homework, work, and when I'm not doing any of that I'm with Keithy. I'm not saying I would like to see him less. I just wish there more hours in a day!! I think I'm feeling a lot of pressure to please everyone and I know I can't do that all the time. I feel out of touch with the way things used to be. I really do miss my friends and my job. I need my job back immediately or I am going to lose it. Despite all the "work" I do for school I NEED to go there. It's like a comfort for me and I haven't been there in sooooo long. I guess I had gotten into a new routine with dumb ass Borders and it disrupted my whole life. Why the hell did I ever say I would work there? It ruined everything.

I'm going to abruptly stop rambling now. This doesn't make sense and there doesn't seem like a "right" way to end it. Thoughts?